The Garlic: Sentient Food Attacks AHS

A farcical newspaper feature for AHS, exploring local, educational and community news.

Jhad Cones

Jhad Cones

Jhad Cones

Sentient food is trashing the Atlantic High School lunchroom. Celery are sharpening their heads and stabbing anything that’s stab-able. Potatoes are warming themselves up and causing potato flavored explosions. Fish are coming back to life and walking on their tail fins! Tomatoes are… doing nothing really. They are just sitting on the counter giving a blank stare.

How are these food items sentient? Many students say they have eye witness accounts of watching English teacher Emma Walker performing witchcraft. A student who wishes to be anonymous says that he walked past room 303 after school hours while leaving the high school and saw Walker locked in her room with a book, a cauldron filled with leeks, the blood of chickens, and lard! Walker was said to have been stirring the cauldron with her “hairy big toe.” “Whoever said this about me is getting 100 years bad luck… I mean… a serious talking to,” said Walker. No matter how many serious words are said, it still won’t undo the damage done to the lunchroom.

How bad are the damages exactly? “It’s around $25,000 in damage,” said Assistant Principal and Activities Director Matt Alexander, “I’m so peeved.” Twenty of the lunch tables have been destroyed, every oven in the kitchen is destroyed, every single food item in the lunchroom was either destroyed by people defending themselves or food items attacking each other in a blind rage. The food only amounted to $4,000 of the $25,000 total. Alexander said that the board of education is currently working on ways to raise money to fix the massive problem. They are considering tearing the school down and completely rebuilding. “None of us like the school anyway,” said an AHS student, “Might as well tear it down and make it fit for all of us students.”

It’s now said that the sentient food is roaming through the town causing havoc and doing juvinal things like throwing water balloons at cars, spray painting road signs, putting sticks in bicycle spokes, and scaring stray dogs. The tyranny has come to the doors of local Atlantic homes and is estimated to spread to nearby towns as well.

Atlantic PD has been contacted to solve the problem but they are currently too busy trying to catch teenagers speeding in their junker cars and doing the big weed. “We have bigger fish to fry, no pun intended,” said the chief of police. “Our police force needs to be more concerned with the youth of today and not the poultry of tomorrow.”

So what will come about from this problem? Only time will tell. We at Garlic Headquarters just hope that our readers are peckish and take the problem into their own hands.